Why Does He Do That

When you step into the thinking patterns of an abusive man, what you find is not uncontrollable rage but a meticulously constructed system of belief. He believes that he is entitled to dominate. He sees his partner’s independence not as a sign of equality but as defiance—a violation of an unwritten rule that says: ‘Her role is to accommodate me.’ This entitlement operates beneath every insult, every sarcastic comment, every act of silent withdrawal meant to punish and reassert power.

In counseling sessions, I often heard these men describe their partners as “overreacting” or “ungrateful.” When pressed, they defended their behavior as discipline rather than abuse, as correction rather than cruelty. The most striking realization was how consistently they interpreted relationship dynamics through the lens of superiority. To them, their partner’s emotions were inferior, her opinions disposable, her pain exaggerated. Their anger arose not from emotional chaos but from perceived disrespect, from the idea that she should not challenge their authority.

This mindset is self-perpetuating. Once entitlement anchors itself, every event becomes filtered through it. If she cries, he claims she is manipulating. If she sets a boundary, he calls her selfish. If she forgives him, he takes it as further proof that she is weak. Understanding this internal logic is critical. It reveals why abusive men can appear charming and remorseful on the surface, yet cycle back to the same destructive behavior. Their apologies are often strategic, designed to restore control, not to express genuine empathy.

It is not that abusers lack control of their temper—they control it quite well. In public or with authority figures, their tone softens; in private, it sharpens. The distinction exposes the truth: abuse is deliberate. It’s not an emotional accident but a functional tool to maintain dominance. Once you can see that, the fog of confusion starts to clear. The reality is painful but simple—he behaves this way because it serves his sense of power.

One of the most powerful barriers to understanding abuse is the collection of myths that surround it. Society tells us that abusive men are psychologically damaged, that they lash out because they were abused in childhood or cannot control their temper. These explanations sound compassionate but dangerously mislead those who seek to understand their situation. In my years working in intervention programs, I found that while a minority of abusers had traumatic pasts, many came from stable families. The common denominator was not pain—it was entitlement and distorted values.

Another myth is that abusers simply 'lose control.' I’ve watched men who supposedly had uncontrollable tempers suddenly calm down when faced with a police officer, a neighbor, or anyone whose disapproval mattered. The truth is that their self-control is selective. They control themselves when they choose to, which means they could choose not to abuse—but often decide otherwise. There is also the romanticized myth that a woman’s love can heal an abusive partner, that patience and understanding will reform him. But that belief traps victims in cycles of hope and heartbreak. Love is powerful, but it cannot dismantle belief systems built on superiority and possession.

Dispelling these myths matters because they shape how victims respond and how society judges them. When people believe abuse arises from uncontrollable anger, they ask victims to help the abuser calm down. When they believe abuse stems from childhood trauma, they tell the victim to be more understanding. The result is misplaced compassion toward the abuser and misdirected blame toward the survivor. The reality is this: abuse is driven by choice, by values that prioritize control over partnership. Recognizing this difference changes everything—it shifts responsibility to where it belongs.

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Explore this chapter in the FizzRead app.

Explore this chapter in the FizzRead app.

Explore this chapter in the FizzRead app.

Explore this chapter in the FizzRead app.